The Host Commentary

Right after Lisa and I shared our secrets of our blogs we went to see the new movie That Awkward Moment starring Zac Efron, Miles Teller, and Michael B. Jordan. That really has no significance to this post other than we got the idea for me to post running commentary while I watch movies. Because let's face it, my commentary should win an award at The Oscars. I'm just that good. So I thought I would watch The Host and write my commentary down. This is going to be fun. Oh and Lisa is sitting right next to me.



Okay movie is staring...

We are currently looking at a view of the universe and some random dude is talking about nothing of note. Maybe he should talk about how high he is right now. Yes?
Now he's giving a definition of Humanity

Oh look, the Host icon

ohh Aliens take over and you can tell because they have bright blue eyes. Even on a little African boy.

Now enter the main character. She's being hunted. Oh no.

Stupid bitch you ran straight to the people.

"Let me just jump out of an eight story window and expect to live" IDIOT

Oh wait her fingers are twitching. SHES ALIVE. No dipshit this is the first 5 minutes of the movie.

What the eff did he just spray in her mouth? That's a little weird dude. Now she's healing and he's cutting the back of her neck open. Can I be the first to say CREEPER

Lisa: "At least this movie has a high quality to it. The effects don't suck. Look at the positive."

So what I'm guessing is happening is that the chick is getting the Alien implanted into her. Am I right? I'm right. Blue eyes.

Why is she taking so long to reply. And "Wanderer"? What kind of name is that? 

What is going on? So the original girl is still inside after The Host took over?

I don't like the bitch in the white jumpsuit. I think she needs a new stylist.

Oh and the acting sucks. You can go back to playing Hanna now. Or getting creeped on by Stanley Tucci in the Lovely Bones.

So writing that I missed a lot of the story. So I'm guessing Wanderer was about to give up Melanie's little brother and Melanie didn't want her to but Wanderer did anyway.

This movie is weird.

Gosh now they are having a conversation in their heads. Cause that's not confusing at all!

Flash back: she finds a dude. He's human. DUDE YOU CANT JUST GO AROUND KISSING PEOPLE. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU. NOW YOU'RE TACKLING HER? ARE YOU STANLEY TUCCI IN THE LOVELY BONES?

Lisa: Oh good comeback "I guess you haven't been kissed in a while either"

Oh that was FANTASTIC acting throwing the pencil across the room.

Still bitch in white jumpsuit needs a new stylist even though she is in a white dress

Flashback: Melanie and kissing dude are now living together with her brother.

Lisa: "Why is in between his legs blurry?" Me: "They don't want you to see his erection."

Flashback: YOU MOTHER FUCKING THIRSTY ASS BITCH. EXCUSE ME, RANDOM DUDE FUCKING THIRSTY ASS BITCH. I need to get my facts straight.

Hun, exactly how long have you known this guy? He could have an STD. He could be your cousin. Both of y'all need to keep it in your pants.

Readers, Don't have sex. Or you will get pregnant, and die.  Don't have sex standing up. Don't have sex in the missionary position. Just don't do it, promise.

Lisa: With these movie, how is it that people are so clean and well fed when they are in the middle of an alien invasion.

Good point Lisa.

Flashback: Now we find out that Melanie actually gave herself up to save her brother and her brother and random dude are hiding out in the desert somewhere.

This movie is sooooooooo boring. There's no suspense. There's almost no plot. I don't feel anything for the characters. If I turned off the movie right now I wouldn't care. It just sucks. I don't know if it's the plot or the acting or what.

Oh look White Jumpsuit lady has an awesome car. Best part of the movie. But she still has the same hairstyle as the other five scenes she's been in.

So Melanie got a hold of the body again and charged White Jumpsuit lady in what I assume was supposed to be a hug plot moment but it lacked everything. It did not seem urgent and the fight sucked.

And suddenly this "Wanderer" that has occupied  many bodies in many different planets and she is just now supposedly seeing humanity? What did Melanie do that was so "Human" that caused Wanderer to feel something and run away from her people and her life?

Okay I'm done. I can't do it any more.

I'm done.

-Shawnee Smith